Minivan Spoilers - A reason to live

Thank fucking god for minivan spoilers.

Without minivan spoilers, men would not be able to ascertain that sense of masculinity that a man looks for while driving a magenta minivan. It gives a sense power and speed that is nearly inexplicable to the common driver. Instinctually, men have always had a desire to show off their masculinity whether it was beating your hands on your chest or fighting with another caveman, the men not only had to prove to women who they were but more importantly, they had to prove to themselves that they were, infact, men.

Upon closer examination of Darwinism, we find that evolution has led man to create a multitude of situations in which they can prove themselves and justify their existence. In this wild world of mullets, 15 lb hamburgers and making it rain on a hoe, we find men to be clinging on to these instincts with every fiber of their being.

This leads us back to the invention of the minivan spoiler. Somewhere along the beginning stages of minivans in the early 1980's, developers found that many men thought of minivans as a women's automobile for lack of a better term. Then, some genius at Ford's creative labs thought, "Hey, lets throw a fucking spoiler on there." What is more masculine then a device used on race cars and street cars for years? Maybe a penis made of smaller penises would be but Im not sure and Im not going to argue that thus my answer is, nothing.

Spoilers are important in eliminating drag and creating proper air flow when at a high rate of speed (for the most part, they are almost useless when going under 100 MPH.) However, as many of us know, current minivan models are not necessarily the most sleek, quick or small aut0mobiles. Given this knowledge of the overall uselessness of spoilers, when applied to minivans, Im sure you are thinking to yourself "what a fucking waste of fiberglass."

But you are wrong.

See, those men at ford had some bigger ideas. After living through the tumultuous 60's and 70's with women inserting their rights all over the place, they were concerned about the eventual overthrow by women. They knew that this automobile was going to be aimed at women so they decided to give one last ditch effort to save mankind.

The minivan spoiler. The motherfucking minivan spoiler.

Without this spoiler, aka the guardian angel's wing, men might have lost sight of their masculinity. Without the genius of placing a spoiler on the read of a 9ft tall minivan, Hillary Clinton may very well be president. Without the forethought to save humanity, we could all be speaking Russian.

So, next time you see a minivan spoiler, dont think to yourself "my, what a fool." Instead, you should thank your lucky stars for such a glorious invention, be happy that men are still men and use an American flag to dry those inevitable tears.